Nomad's Journal

Leap of Faith

2011-06-20T22:00:00.004-05:00

My heart is overflowing with joy, hope, and expectation right now. This evening I had a delightful dinner with a family from church whom I just met. The Lord was so present in our conversation and my spirit was completely refreshed as we shared stories of ways in which the Lord has, does, and will work in our lives. Because His character is consistent, the Lord can always be counted on to be present and active among us.

The testimonies of our ancestors in Scripture and the events of our own lives bear witness to an ever-present God. Because our God allows Himself to be known by us, we never have to walk into the unknown with fear. Though our circumstances may change and be unfamiliar, our God is unchanging. If we are looking to Him daily and drinking in His Word, we will learn to recognize God when He is moving around us.

This truth is really hitting home for me right now. I am traveling to the Czech Republic next week and will be away for a month. Though I do not know what to expect in my program and though I am very unfamiliar with the culture, I have hope in the God of my salvation who is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is the Living God and He has authority over all things - in heaven and on earth (Matt. 28:18) - and He is before all things and in Him all things hold together (Colossians 1:17).

I am certain that God has ordained this trip to the Czech Republic. I am sure that He wants me there. But tonight I was reminded that I have no control over my trip. I received a phone call about my flight and it appears that I may need to leave the US a couple of days earlier so I can get to Prague in time since I may be flying into Amsterdam instead. From the looks of things, God wants me to start and end my journey in Amsterdam. I am not sure at this point how I am going to get from Amsterdam to Prague or from Prague to Amsterdam on the return trip, but I'm sure it is going to be an exciting journey, however it may come about.

I called my mom to tell her about this new update and she seemed just a tad concerned about the practicality of my new travel arrangement. I smiled and said, "Mom, God is writing my story and I am just living it." She is super supportive and said that God definitely keeps leading me into adventures and it's true that He is the Author of all of our adventures.

Once again, God has me on a learning curve in this faith journey and He is continuing to open my eyes to the sweet nature of dependence on Him. Once we realize that we are merely living the story He is writing, all fear will be diminished and replaced with hope and expectancy.

I am hopeful and expectant and SO excited about what He is going to do in the days and weeks ahead! I ask now for your prayers for discernment and trust and faith. Taking the leap can be a bit scary, but I know that God is surrounding me and my trust is entirely in Him. When my dependence is entirely on Him, then I am leaning not on my own efforts, but on His power and strength, and I can never fall. Only in the Lord, it shall be said of me, are righteousness and strength. (Isaiah 45:24) For the righteous will never be moved (Psalm 112: 6).

It is not by trusting in our own understanding that we may experience the riches of God's grace and love - we are to lean not on our own understanding but in all our ways acknowledge Him (Proverbs 3:5-6). His power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). With the eyes of man, it would appear that this is an obstacle in my journey. However, I realize that because of this situation, God's name will be magnified and He will be glorified all the more because He will triumph over these circumstances. With God, all things are possible. (Matthew 19:26).

Some trust in chariots and some in horses,

but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

-Psalm 20:7

My hope and trust are in the Lord and I am rejoicing because I know this is just another opportunity for His sovereignty to be demonstrated. He will prevail.

The Lord lives, and blessed be my rock, and exalted be the God of my salvation. (Psalm 18:46)

Hallelujah.

falling in love with Love

2011-06-07T22:19:00.007-05:00

You know how the more you get to know somebody the more that you really like them and think "where has this person been all of my life?" You just keep liking them more and more and totally enjoy their company and want to keep getting to know everything about them and it's totally great because all of the sudden, someone who you didn't even realize was so awesome is your friend and your life is forever affected by that bond. Well, that's kind of how I feel about God right now.

My walk with Christ over the past year has been such an incredible journey. A year ago, God opened my eyes to realize that He is not only my Savior and Lord of my life, He is also the LIVING GOD - the same Living God who spoke to Abraham, rescued Isaac, and extended grace to Jacob. This blew me away. At the time, I had been a Christian for 14 years, but I was just beginning to see how miraculous my God is and how involved He is in my everyday life. While I knew a lot about God and occasionally experienced intimate moments with God prior to my summer experience, I have grown so much in my walk with Christ since last May. Now I not only know about Him, I know Him.

He has taught me to recognize His voice, to respond to His Spirit, and to surrender my desires so that I may know the freedom of walking by faith, not sight. He has taught me to trust, to love, and to hope when my natural, sinful self was opposed to the pursuit of righteousness. These are not lessons that are learned once and always retained; no, these are things that God is continually teaching me and ways in which He is constantly sharpening me. To be honest, the sharpening isn't always comfortable. But deep within my soul there is peace and joy as I hope in my Savior and continue to surrender my heart to my Lord so that He may do in me the work He created me for.

As I walk with God daily, He is strengthening the roots of my faith. He is my reward. I am His and He is mine. It is a precious friendship. Abide. That is what God desires. That I may abide in Him and He in me so that I may bear fruit. For apart from him, I can do nothing. (John 15:1-11)

The way in which I am most thankful for God's intervention in my life last summer is that He has given me an insatiable appetite for the Word. I have always really struggled with reading my Bible regularly. I was never disciplined enough and always gave up after a few days of reading a new study or going through a book of the Bible. But once I encountered the Living God, I discovered how much power is in His Living Word, and now I crave the Scriptures. I used to think that reading the Bible was a pretty demanding obligation. I mean, c'mon - life is busy. It's kind of hard to read the Bible on top of life. But that was such a shallow, immature view of my faith! There is no life apart from the Word! That is the entire purpose of reading the Bible - to understand what life really is.

Nevermind how impossible it would be to fulfill the Great Commission without first having read the divinely inspired words of God so that we could know whose disciples we were making. . .We don't even have to talk about how impossible it is to be the light of the world without first knowing the one Great Light of the World as He has revealed Himself to us in His Word. We cannot know anything about Christ, the ministry of Christ, or the ministry we are called to by Christ without first examining, studying, and meditating on His Word, but more than that, we will never experience love, hope, or life if we do not first know the Word of God, which teaches us how to have all three.

If you have never fallen in love with the Word, perhaps you have never fallen in love with Christ. And if you have never fallen in love with Christ, perhaps you have never read the life-giving scriptures in His Word.

It is not that reading the Bible is imperative to fulfilling our duties as Christ followers, it is that we will never know the Christ that we claim to follow without first absorbing the teachings of His Word.

I love the Lord. So very much. And that love is growing as I seek to know Him more. There is so much on my heart and mind about who God is and what He is doing in my life right now and so I know these thoughts may just seem like a ramble. But if, by the grace of God, these humble ramblings have somehow had an effect on your heart, I pray that you may be moved to pursue God. I pray that you may find yourself falling in love with God more as you fall in love with His Word more. You will never be the same. That I promise you.

Our God is not dead. He is very much alive.

And He treasures YOU.

I pray that you may make Him your treasure as well.

With the deepest love and affection,

-s

Half of My Heart

2011-05-31T22:23:00.004-05:00

Have you ever felt like your heart was in two places at once?

That's kind of where I am right now. I am absolutely LOVING being here in Tennessee with family and friends and getting to serve at the Journey every Sunday with a church family that I adore. I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Yet somehow, my heart aches for another place.

I leave for the Czech Republic in exactly a month (http://czechmate11.wordpress.com/ is the blog site devoted to that experience) and am getting excited (and nervous). I feel like that is something God has been preparing my heart for for quite some time. I am not sure what to expect, but I definitely have great expectations of God, so at the least, I expect to be changed by my experience.

While half of my heart is here and is rejoicing in what God is doing in my life right in front of me (and in a country thousands of miles away that I will soon be living in), the other half of my heart longs to be in Wisconsin, serving at HoneyRock. I fell in love with the Northwoods last summer and when I visited last October, I had the feeling of "coming home" when I reached HoneyRock Road. Now, with the knowledge that the summer season has begun, I miss Three Lakes even more.

I miss my dear friends, I miss sitting on the dock and surveying the wilderness in awe, I miss sitting on a bench under a starlit sky at night and praising my Creator for the splendor of His handiwork...

I miss Lick-a-Dee Splitz runs with the staff, walking around in Eagle River while waiting for our laundry to dry, loading up on snacks at Trig's, and packing 20+ staffers into the world's smallest movie theater...

I miss smelling like a campfire morning, noon, and night, eating meals in Chrouser, starting off every day with staff devos, sorting the mail in the office, attending Family Days, ski shows, Wrangler Breakfasts...

I miss HoneyRock church. I miss worshiping God under a clear sky, beneath towering pines, with the lake a stone's throw away...

I miss midnight conversations with Elizabeth on her couch, afternoon talks with Nancy in her kitchen, incredible conversations with other staffers throughout the day...

I miss the horrible mattress from my bunk bed, s'mores with the wranglers in the Loberg lounge. I might even miss the orange Loberg water (okay, no I don't) and I miss returning to my room multiple times and finding a new friend in a new roommate.

I miss canoeing late at night, swimming early in the morning for Solid Rock, riding the golf cart down to Ops to talk to Don, playing guitar in the racquetball court because the acoustics are amazing.

I miss hearing the sound of hundreds of campers singing camp songs, I miss talking to parents about how much fun their kids are going to have, I miss praying with people constantly as we serve God in an intentional community.

I miss the Bee Hive, the Ropes Course, Ski Hill, and Cathedral Pines...

My heart aches for these things and my spirit longs to be living in this community once again.

But the memories are sweet and the friendships that have grown over the past year are so precious, and I know that I am where I am supposed to be for the time being.

Last summer was not only a summer of many joys and adventures - it was also a summer of miracles. I know that last summer could not be replicated, even if all of the above were to occur again. My HoneyRock summer of 2010 is so very precious to me and I will cherish those memories forever. I am in awe every time I reflect upon what God did in my life then and the ways in which He has built upon that summer in the past year.

My heart hurts for HoneyRock because it is home to me, just as the Journey is home to me and my family and friends are home to me. Though I cannot be there right now, I can bask HoneyRock in prayer. I can also continue to thank God for the opportunities and adventures He gave me and ask Him to prepare my heart for the adventures in my life that are to come.

Here I am, Oh God. Surrendered to Your plan for my life. Every day is a new adventure and I pray that I may see it as such. You have given me so much, oh Lord. I dare not ask more. You alone are my reward. I worship You not for the blessings You give, but for the gift of Yourself that You have already given. Take and use me as You see fit to further Your Kingdom. My life is Yours completely.

Amen.

The Best Person to Sit by on a Plane and Why You're Flying All Wrong

2011-04-28T10:10:00.006-05:00

It's that time again. The time when airports around the nation are going to be flooded with college students going home for the summer. Businessmen, watch out. Especially if you fly Southwest and have to choose your seat when you get on the plane.

The competition is on.

If you can't get an Emergency Exit aisle with all that extra leg room, where can you sit? How do you pre-screen your seatmate to predict how bearable your flight is going to be? Oh man. And you forgot your iPod this time. This is going to be a long flight.

Well, have no fear. I can help. There is a passenger demographic that is far too easily overlooked in the airport. This type of person is the perfect plane partner and makes the best seatmate. Your flying experience will never be the same.

The seatmate you want to look for is an eight year kid with a lanyard around his neck. That's right. You're looking for the child that is flying solo.

You may be thinking, "Sarah. You are crazy. Why would I want to spend over an hour with an unsupervised miniature human? Children are messy, loud, they have no concept of personal space, and the seats on the planes are not getting any bigger. What are you thinking?!?"

I'm so glad you asked.

Children who fly alone are generally pros. They typically come from a divorce situation where one parent lives in the Midwest and another lives in Florida (don't ask me why, that's just usually how it works, although sometimes it's California rather than Florida). That means these kids make these trips as often as every other weekend or as infrequently as once a month. They are pros. You think YOU have frequent flyer miles? You have nothing on this toothless kid.

Now for the best part - these kids (from now on, we will refer to them as KWFMTY, or "Kids Who Fly More Than You") get preferential treatment. The flight attendants check on them regularly, the pilot usually talks about little Timmy on the intercom, and everyone treats KWFMTY like a celebrity. Which means YOU, Mr. or Ms. Seatmate, will be treated like a celebrity too.

Now if you are the kind of person who loves having an allergic reaction when the flight attendant accidentally gives you peanuts when you ask for pretzels or if you love being without a pillow or blanket when you ask the flight attendant five times to "please, kindly, if it wouldn't be any inconvenience, but I'm freezing, please" to get you one, then this is not a good option for you. Because if you do sit by a KWFMTY, you will probably get three bags of pretzels, two blankets, and a partridge in a pear tree to complement your two free refills of ginger ale.

That's right. You will be treated like a celebrity too. You may even get to take a picture with the kid and the pilot for the kid's Flight Scrapbook. You just never know. The perks are endless, really.

Now, again, the choice is yours. But I just want you to know that you have some pretty great options this flying season, and those options can usually be spotted sporting pigtails or heelies.

The Heights of the Earth

2011-04-04T11:07:00.004-05:00

Sometimes I find myself growing nostalgic. Wishing I could hit "rewind" and be transported back to my childhood days or to a point in my life that is encompassed by fond memories. Then I think of all that I have yet to experience - all that is yet to be seen, all that is yet to come.

Don't get me wrong - I love this stage of my life. I love the people in my life. I am infinitely blessed. Yet at times, I play the "what if" game and allow my imagination to transform my reality.

I wonder what my life would be like if I were still in Illinois. I think about how different I would be and how many opportunities I would be without, yet wonder what opportunities I would have. I know that I would be different person and my life's journey would be completely changed.

Yet I reflect on how God has intertwined my past and my present - how God used HoneyRock last summer, how God continues to connect my two worlds, and I see that He is working it all out.

And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. (Colossians 1:17)

I read about the faith journeys of friends from around the country and around the globe and anticipate great things from my great God in my own life in the days at hand and in the days to come. I am certain that there are great things in store - because life is an adventure - and I serve an adventurous God.

From this time forth I announce to you new things, hidden things that you have not known. (Isaiah 48:6)

I am not afraid of the unknown but hopeful. Every moment is unknown, really. I have plans for my day, plans for my week, plans for my life. But in truth, that's all that they are - plans. I will never be able to concoct an adventure great enough to satisfy myself. But my God is a God of action and movement. God alone has the power to stir up events in my life into the most incredible adventure story ever written. He can do that for each of us if we let Him work and move in our lives. If we only let go of the illusion that we have any semblance of control over our lives, God will surprise us in mighty ways.

Then you shall take delight in the Lord, and I will make you ride on the heights of the earth. (Isaiah 58:14)

I'm running. Hopefully in a direction away from my own selfish desires and towards the face of my Lord.

The Lord will arise upon you, and his glory will be seen upon you. (Isaiah 60:2b)

I know that with faith, I can move mountains. And though I cannot always see God, I hope in His name, because of the faith which He has given me.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1)

I am resolving to look ahead with hope and joy - reflecting on sweet memories with thanks and praise to my God, my caring Father, who is the giver of good gifts.

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is not variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:17)

Conversations with the Creator

2011-03-06T21:43:00.012-06:00

Ah, time. While the stirrings of my heart and mind have not found their way onto the page for some time, the stirrings have not disappeared. More often than not, there is an experience or thought that I deem "blog-worthy," but alas, my commitment to sit down and write about it is not as strong as my mind's capacity to contain all of these ideas.

Then there are those times when I'm driving in my car. Just me and Jesus.

And the immensity our relationship hits me.

I am in conversation with the Creator of the world. And He loves me. He desires my love and allegiance to Him. And there's no catch...He even says He is going to build me a really awesome place to live when I get to meet Him face to face.

I've seen Him provide for me and care for me in the past, yet sometimes I choose to pave my own way. Which is not only impossible, but foolish. I mean - get this - the Being who designed the earth - the mountains I am in love with, the rivers, oceans, lakes, the people I love to be in relationship with - the One who made all of that wants to talk to me. He wants to hear from me. And best of all - He wants to guide and instruct me to live in a way which lets others know about Him and that He and I have such a unique relationship.

Yet sometimes, I decide that trusting Him is too hard. So I hold onto certain things and try to manage those. And I only let Him see all what is left over - those things I am not afraid to share and not afraid to lose. It's a bad game of hide and seek. He's seeking, and I keep hiding different parts of myself in different places.

But then, I get in my car. And turn on the music. And it's just me and Jesus.

And all of the sudden, I am overcome with the sense that I have a Father who loves me. Who loves me. And then this song starts playing and the lyrics speak what my heart is saying beneath my selfish resistance to relinquish what I am holding so tightly. The words....

You have been so good to me.
You have been so good to me.
I came here broken, You made me whole.
You have been so good, You have been so good.
You have been so good to me.

At this point, my pride is crumbling and my heart is humming right along to the chorus:

How can I thank You? There is just no way.
How can I thank You, Lord, how could I repay
For Your kindness, for Your tenderness
For Your constant Presence here with me

And all of the sudden, I am consumed.

I have been cared for. I am cared for. God is caring for me.

I am in school, I have two jobs, I am living with the most incredible, godly family and learning so much about marriage and parenting (lessons that don't directly apply to my life now, but will in the future), I am in love with my church family and have the distinct blessing of serving the kids each Sunday, I am in perfect health (besides some minor sore throats here and there), and God is providing for me in ways that I could not even dream up.

If I had to use one word to describe myself at this point in my journey, I would say I am content. I may even throw in blessed for extra measure, because I certainly feel that as well.

But yes, I am so content and at ease right now.

This does not mean life is easy, but it is good. And I serve a God who is good.
Sometimes I feel like my time is so divided that I do not get to enjoy relationships with people I care about, but God has given me the opportunity to live in the moment when I do get to spend time with those people, which makes every interaction and every relationship in my life a unique blessing.

Reader, I wish you could feel this peace and this joy. From the bottom of my heart, I want you to know the love of God as it has been shown to me. May you soak in it. Once you are there, at that play of peace and joy, even when life does not take the turn you expected, I earnestly pray that you would cling to the goodness of our faithful God. Because when all else changes, He does not. And when other emotions threaten to spoil your joy, they won't, because true joy is not overcome by those emotions. It lives in the midst of them. As does peace. I love you, whoever you are, I do. Because His love is so powerful, that it stretches to places that mine cannot.

Embrace His goodness. Embrace His love. Or at least let Him embrace you.

*Lyrics by Paul Baloche

Lazy Love

2010-12-01T23:04:00.003-06:00

Remember those seeing eyes I was talking about?

Well, I think a pair of listening ears would help those eyes out a whole lot.

If you know me, you know I talk a lot. If you have known me for more than a short while, you know that I talk less than I used to, and have calmed down a bit. I also am more careful in what I choose to tell people. If there is something impactful happening in my personal life, I usually share details with close friends, but sometimes I keep them to myself until I have had time to process and discern whether or not it is worth sharing. Some details of our lives are intimate between us and God alone.

Other times, my lousy pride gets in the way of my best intentions and I disallow the Holy Spirit to restrict my speech and I just blurt out whatever I feel like saying.

Sounds kind of like...a clanging cymbal.

And that's the opposite of love, in case you aren't tracking with me.

My sister was reading 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter, tonight, and in verse 1 it says,

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal."

This made me think back over my day...sadly, I cannot think of an instance today when I was actively concerned with others and made a conscious decision to let Christ's love flow through me and touch someone else.

That saddens me. I feel like a really lousy Christian. An imitator of Christ is NOT concerned with his/her own interests, but only with the interests of Christ.

Basically, in all of my talking about whatever I may have been talking about, I was being lazy in my love for others, and probably sounded like a clanging cymbal - or in other words, just like noise. By speaking rather than listening to the hearts of others through their words, I not only became deaf to the needs of others, but I also became blind to the ways in which Christ wanted to use me.

I used my gifts of sight and speech to be self-serving rather than people-serving. This is not what God created me for.

Tomorrow is another day. Another opportunity to deny myself and take up my cross to follow the One who rescues me from eternal death and a meaningless life on earth.

I am praying my heart will be softened and changed; I am praying that I may be humbled and shamed by my selfishness so that my love will not be lazy, but it will mirror the love Jesus taught us to have for each other.

I also pray for you - reader - that you may know this love and may give this love to others. Let's keep each other accountable, shall we?

love,

-s

With Seeing Eyes

2010-11-28T18:16:00.003-06:00

My bed is gone and my room looks rather naked. It's the futon for me tonight.

Thus, begins the moving process.

Last time I posted, I didn't know where I was moving, but now I have a destination. Thank you, Jesus! God's timing is always perfect, so I'm not sure why I forget that and get worried about things, such as where I will live. He provided a place in a basement apartment of a family from church. There will be about a week between the moving out and moving in, so I will be chilling with the family and perhaps crashing with the grandparents for a night, just for fun.

So here's a mind-blowing fact: I have exactly 6 days of classes left and then a few days of exams until I am finished with this semester.

I feel like I just got back from HoneyRock, but obviously I've been back for a while since Christmas is in less than a month and all.

My three months in the Northwoods seemed a lot longer than my three months living in Nashville, working in Donelson, and going to school in Murfreesboro. (If you are a stalker, you know three places to find me. But if you are a smart stalker, you already knew those things because the internet tells all.) For that, I am grateful. Not because these past three months have been bad, but because my experience in Wisconsin was invaluable and was really a life-changing experience. If I haven't told you about it and you want to know, or if you have had any doubts about God - any at all - please email or call me and we will get together and celebrate what God did in my life and how He works miracles even now if you are looking with seeing eyes.

I have a secret to tell you.

I have fallen out of step with what I know and believe to be true. How have I done this? For a split second, I took my eyes off of Christ and allowed sin and humanity to claw at my desire for God. And I slipped. The intimacy I felt with Christ began to be less until I felt very far from God and very ashamed that I stopped looking to Him, because it destroyed me inside. Once again, I discovered the hard way that self-sufficiency does not work. Because of the way in which He so personally spoke to me this summer, I was ashamed at falling away so quickly by not intentionally looking with seeing eyes.

Here's something I discovered....an excerpt from my journal entry the other day:

"I got back here (to Nashville), and it was hard, but still, God showed Himself to me in every day things. Then my focus shifted inward, and I focused on my impurities rather than His glories. It was then that I felt most separated from Him."

Why do I share this?

Maybe because I believe being transparent about sin and struggles and ways in which we fall short fosters a greater trust. Maybe because I believe hiding our struggles makes us even more spiritually ill. Maybe because I believe God wants more from me and from you than our impurities.

So how 'bout it?

Let's do this.

Let's start every day by focusing our eyes on Him so we can really see and stop feeling dead inside.

I have to go buy stamps because this bill is due in a few days and I need to get re-acquainted with Shakespeare so I can write an impressive paper and maintain a good grade, so that's all for now.

love!

-s

ps I'm not starving myself...the Prague diet was a joke. But I am grateful for your concern. :)

I'm moving...to Prague

2010-11-11T11:32:00.005-06:00

That is what I like to call a "contraction sentence." It's a contraction for "I'm moving. And I'm traveling to Prague." But I was fairly certain you would click on the link if I used this strategy, and guess what? It worked.

It's been a while since this blog has received any attention, but my mind has not ceased to produce ideas and questions and wonderment, so welcome back into the inner workings of my mind. Oh yeah...and I'm bad at communicating happenings in my life to all the people I care about, so this is an easy way to get the word out:

I'm moving. Again.

I'm not really sure where I'm going, but I will be out of my place by the end of the month, boxes and bags in tow. My family lives nearby (that's relative...within a 40 mile radius), so I can always rejoin them. The problem with that is they are currently building a basement in our home, so going back "home" would mean staying at the neighbor's house, which is quite lovely, but I would still feel displaced.

The purpose of my migration out of Nashville is to save money for my Prague excursion in July, because as invaluable as I know the experience is going to be, there is a definite price tag that requires some sacrifice on the front end.

I've already embarked on the "Prague diet," a budgeting strategy.

Ready?

Go grocery shopping once every three months, spending no more than $50 per trip.

Eat the same thing for a week, two if you can make it last (pasta, for example, or grilled cheese, because it's simple).

If you wake up between anytime after 8:30 am, you might as well wait until lunch time to eat. If you don't get around to eating lunch until 1 or 2pm, you might as well wait until 3pm and make it an early dinner too.

See how easy that is? I just combined 3 meals into one meal.

Then, if you're hungry around 8pm, you can have a snack, or run by Taco Bell because it's cheap and filling.

Bam. The Prague Diet.

I'm also having a garage sale. Proceeds will go towards the trip. I figure if I keep enough clothing to last me a week, I can mix and match and become creative and sell the rest of my wardrobe. (Okay, so that was a joke, but maybe not such a bad idea....)

I'm going to miss Nashville a ton, but every time I pick up my phone with the background of Prague at night, I smile and think "this is so worth it." (So if I'm doubting this two months down the road when I'm living out of my car again because I live so far from EVERYTHING, please remind me that I once thought it was worth it.)

"Why Prague?" you ask. "I thought you wanted to go to South Africa."

Ah, so glad you asked.

Yes, I do want to go to South Africa, but the long and short of it (did you know Shakespeare coined that phrase? Well, he did.) is that I have to leave the country to get credit for my global studies minor but if I go during the school year, I have to go to a Spanish speaking country since I will be taking Spanish for the next 3 semesters to fulfill another graduation requirement.

That takes South Africa out of the semester-long equation.

I could go for a winter or summer term, but there aren't any (or many) summer trips to South Africa, at least that I could see. Besides, I want to write a book while I'm there, and one-two months is NOT enough time to do enough interviews and research AND take classes AND write a book. So that is now a post-graduation goal.

The Czech Republic wasn't on my radar until this summer, when two dear friends told me about their ministry experiences there. Then, my professor told me about her summer experience when I returned to school this semester. I immediately dismissed the possibility of my involvement because I knew it would be pricey. However, for whatever reason, I researched it and was instantly like, "Okay...I'm supposed to be here for this." So now, I'm doing crazy things to make it happen, like sub-letting and moving out by the end of the month, which I decided to do last week.

I guess it's not really that crazy.

I'm used to living with unpacked boxes by now.

So there you have it. The update. I would ask that you pardon my sneaky title to get you to read this, but a pardon would require remorse which would require regret, and I harbor neither. Until next time!

-sg

empty jar

2010-04-23T18:22:00.001-05:00

what form of broken is not worth replacing

how many signs does it take to see

how many ways can i run away from me

when does the notion that something's not right

the restless days and the sleepless nights

inform the mind to find salvation

empty jar without a purpose

questioning its maker

just like all the other jars

wanting to fill its insides

how many tries does it take it succeed

at what point do you let the wind steal your dreams

so you can live realistically

when the torment seeps into your soul

breaking you up til you're no longer whole

who do you know that won't run away

empty jar without a name

hiding feelings it can't contain

even in the empty space

a pit of sorrow and shame

what do you do when the nightmares come

when you can't explain the sinking feeling

that has your whole heart reeling

who do you find that won't condemn

then how you know what to say to them

when you've forgotten how to speak

empty jar fell of the shelf

cracked in pieces, many shards

should have been like other jars

content with being empty

2010-04-19T18:42:00.000-05:00

Obviously my ambitious "day by day" of California posts failed after day two. Oh well. If you really want to know, shoot me an email, and I'll fill you in. It's too late for me to process everything in a creative fashion. That season has passed.

Currently I am tired; I want to take a long nap and not wake up until tomorrow morning.

Have you ever been plagued with heartache for no apparent reason?

I've been feeling that way lately.

I am not always sad or upset, by the way. But those moods often inspire me to write.

School is 2 weeks from completion and I should be stressed, but I am avoiding work instead of getting it done. (Okay, I am stressed. Just passively so at the moment.) I wrote something today. A letter called "Dear Summer Mentality" which basically personified my summer mentality and told him that I loved him, but could he wait for me for 3 weeks more, because he came a bit early this year. It's like Senioritis all over again (okay, not that bad). I really want to be done but I need to draw some will-power from within so I can finish all of my classes strong.

Meanwhile, Earth Day was this weekend and I stayed in Nashville Friday and spent the whole weekend with some awesome friends. It made me miss the city like a fish out of water misses the ocean. I want to live there so much, but it's the expense that scares me a bit. It's easier being able to work without shelling out half of my paycheck for rent. But I think I need to decide if I'm going to travel or not. Because if it's "or not," I might as well move to the city. Geez. All talk and no action. Where's that will-power I was talking about?

In other news, I got a scholarship the other day, which is really exciting. That takes a bit of the financial stress away.

I hope to have lots of coffee dates or just good talks as soon as school lets out.

That sounds nice.

This is rather mundane and monotonous, so I quit for now.

Til we meet again.

Chapter 2: hey tommy lee jones, nice truck

2010-03-17T14:40:00.000-05:00

We rose at the beautiful hour of about 11am, which was about 1pm for me, and while it may seem like a day could be wasted (maybe it was 9am- same diff), we definitely made the most of Day 2, without regard to time. Zach was headed to Universal Studios for the day, so it would just be the three amigas.

First stop was CVS because my camera's memory card was full. After one night of being there (plus other pictures I couldn't bring myself to delete), it was full. Great.

Then, we hit up the infamous $0.99 store native to the sunny shores of California where we purchased fake goldfish of two varieties, Lifewater, bears and icing for dunkaroos, more bread for PB&J sandwiches, and some other food items.

Next - and don't get bored yet, it's about to get exciting - we drove to the gas station in Burbank and on our way, TOMMY LEE JONES turned in front of us. In his old, beat-up truck. I was stuttering out "Look- that face - famous - he's - look, look- in front-" and then, since I couldn't think of his name, Melissa spit it out for me "That's Tommy Lee Jones!!!"

After a couple minutes of screaming and laughing and congratulating ourselves for our celebrity sighting in Burbank, no less, we pulled into the gas station and pulled out our phones. Okay, I'm gonna script this for your visual comprehension and entertainment.

Me: I'm gonna call my grandmother.
Melissa: I'm gonna call my mom.
Courtney: I'm texting my mom.

(all whip out phones, Melissa and I begin to dial)
(brief silence as dial tone rings)

Melissa: Hey mom!
Me: Grandmother-
Melissa and Me: Guess what?
(pause)
Melissa and Me: We just saw Tommy Lee Jones!!

Melissa's mom asked if there was an echo on her phone, my grandmother was excited, but it was a bad time for her to talk, so we ended our calls and cracked up because we literally said pretty much the same thing at the same time.

Then Melissa pumped gas and we cheered for a little longer and headed to Yogurtland for lunch.

If you have never tasted frozen yogurt, I first pity you and then I reprimand you. You who have computer access to view this post certainly have enough control over your own life to scout out your local frozen yogurt joint and indulge yourself. So do it. And finish reading this later, because you are wasting precious time. Your taste buds are bound to grow bitter. (pun definitely intended)

As we carried our cups of frozen yogurt to the car, we knew great things awaited us. We were going to the cliffs and then we were going to the beach. I hadn't been to a beach in who knows how long. Swimsuits tucked beneath t-shirts and shorts and chuck taylors on foot, the three of us set off on our adventure, with Melissa's trusty GPS to guide and misguide us.

We arrived at the beautiful "park" around 3pm, though I perhaps invented that time to give the story more significant detail. Surfboards atop the car, we parked her in trusty view of all, and stepped out of the car into the beautiful sunshine and glorious....wind. It was pretty breezy, which meant hoodies were a must. Eventually, though, through our tree-climbing shenanigans and cliff hiking, we shed articles of clothing, such as the cumbersome hoodie.

The best way to sum up this experience would be to show you.

After our climbing and hiking and meeting a drunk guy from Honduras under the dock and talking to him for a while, we headed back to the car. The surf boards were still there and time was expiring. The beach was not going to happen, at least not like we planned.

We had an appointment with destiny in Mission Viejo, which was about an hour away. We were meeting Courtney's family friends and eating dinner with them. After making a pit stop at McDonald's to change into real clothes and discard the bathing suits we didn't really use, we arrived at the house of Ed, Roxanne, and Irina. After some delightful conversation and learning more about California, Roxanne must have heard our stomachs growling.

And then...the two words that I loved most.

"Fish tacos."

I suppose surrounding those words was something like, "Hey Irina, why don't you take them to get fish tacos at Rubio's? My treat."

Melissa and I were smiling ear to ear, as was Courtney, because she did not have the privilege of sharing in our experience the night before. We decided we would grab some tacos then drive to Laguna Beach, since we were so close.

Three fish tacos and a smile later, we were back in the car on the way to Laguna Beach.

Irina gave us this delicious gum after our wonderful meal, and I discovered I could blow some great bubbles. I told Melissa and she decided to try. What happened next was entirely spontaneous and ridiculous, but it happened, and must be noted. Every time we blew a bubble, we counted. So it turned into a competition, and by the time we hit Laguna Beach, I had blown 100 bubbles and Melissa had blown 101. She won. Our jaws were sore and the gum had lost its flavor, but it was an incredibly spectacular little event.

When we got to the beach, it was pitch dark (as it had been when we left for Rubio's), and the beach was pretty much deserted. So we walked and goofed off and played on the lifeguard deck and walked through the restaurants and messed with locals.

Then we drove Irina home, stopped at McDonald's for some caffeine, and got back to Melissa's apartment sometime around midnight. Aka 2 a.m. in my Nashville head. Sooo tired. But such a remarkable day!

We were out like a light in no time. Fish tacos swimming in our stomachs satisfactorily once again.

Chapter 1: that fish would look good in my face

2010-03-17T14:34:00.000-05:00

If there was one word to describe what I wanted to be over spring break, I suppose the word would be daring. I wanted to defy my own expectations, cut loose, and meet new people. So I booked two flights and one train ride for my California-Chicago adventure.

I suppose the easiest way to do this would to be to give you a day-by-day bullet point list of my journey. But I fear that would stifle the inner-writer and would not be half as entertaining as the stories I could tell. However, I fear you would not read all of it if I told it to you in one block of text. So I am going to break it up into chapters. Because blogs are meant to be read with the most recent information at the top, you may find yourself scrolling down to read my adventures in order. I suppose if you read them out of order, it would not confuse your comprehension too much. So do as you like.

Consider the following chapter one.

CHAPTER 1: that fish would look good in my face

I arrived at the Nashville airport on the afternoon of Monday, March 8th. One checked bag, a full backpack, an airport water bottle, and a Reader's Digest later, I was aboard a five-hour flight to Los Angeles.

Upon arrival, I noticed that had I not been standing in the shade of the arrival tunnel, shorts would have been a viable option. The palm trees I could see protruding from the stretch of sun-touched grass just beyond my tunneled waiting bench was enough to stir anticipation within me. I wanted to touch the palm trees if only to convince myself it was not a mirage.

My getaway car pulled up and I hopped in and sped away with my friends Melissa and Courtney and a guy named Zach who I didn't know. We shook hands, exchanged names, and sped out of the airport along with the others flying at 15 mph.

We were off. The adventure had begun. We arrived at Melissa's gorgeous apartment nestled in the Hollywood area, deposited my stuff, made some PB&J and were swiftly off to climb the hill of the Hollywood sign.

The view from the top was gorgeous- the sunset was altogether too remarkable to be explained. Perhaps pictures can do the explaining that my words cannot.

After hiking down, meeting a boy named Archer, freezing because it does get a bit chilly at night, even though it's Cali, we drove back to Melissa's apartment, said goodbye to Courtney when she left for dinner with her cousin, then the three remaining explorers scouted out a dinner spot to cater to our hunger cravings.

We found a delicious fish taco spot that looked like it might be closed, but it wasn't, not yet, so we went in.

Up until this trip, I had been slightly repulsed at the thought of fish in a taco, but I will try anything once, so I thought, "Heck, why not in Hollywood?" And that is how my infatuation with fish tacos began.

Minus the stinging then burning then flaming then searing your eyeballs out of their sockets sensation from our spicy guacamole (WTH?) we drank our exotic drinks, courtesy of the owner, and I guzzled my Squirt drink (yes, it was hot enough for two beverages) and we exited the premises, smiles all around. ("This will make your face smile, and I like when your face smiles.")

We proceeded to travel to Amoeba music, which is kind of a big deal in LA. It is this HUGE warehouse of sorts with thousands of CDs and DVDs for sale, some used, some new.

Post-Amoeba, Melissa, Zach, and I drove to Hollywood Blvd where they were taking down lights and decorations from the previous night's Academy Awards. The road was closed, but the sidewalks were opened. We parked about 4 blocks away next to the vehicle we swear was used in the Indiana Jones movies, and arrived in time to see Spiderman posed like he was ready to pounce on a ledge of the building on the boulevard.

We of course explored the area behind Kodak Theater, put our hands in the prints of Johnny Depp and our feet in the soles of Hugh Jackman (that man has HUGE feet). Then we walked back to the car, grabbed an In-N-Out Neapolitan shake on the way, and headed back to the apartment.

Slightly jet-lagged and worn out from the days activities (I'd only been there since 3pm California time! That's 5pm Nashville time), I sluggishly hung around with the others for a couple of hours before hitting my sleeping bag and going to sleep.

Day 1 was amazing. Who knew what Day 2 had in store...

thumbs up

2010-02-15T19:51:00.000-06:00

Okay so it's been a while since my last post, but I just wanted to give my audience a thumbs up. I'm doing so much better. I'm running towards God more, which is where a lot of stuff lines up, and am not as stressed at the moment. Just a quick update, for those who approached me with worry.

-sg

wall of impossibility

2010-02-08T13:25:00.000-06:00

I have never wanted to cry more in my life. I think somewhere along the way, my tear ducts dried of from lack of use, so this powerful urge has not been satisfied yet. At the most, my eyes can produce tears for 65 seconds, including the moment they start watering to the moment they stop. It's sad. So sad it's worth crying over.

This sob story is not inspired by any truly grievous act that has catapulted my heart into mourning, but rather a series of overwhelming small events combined with a dry soul and a body that wants to physically run from everything right now. My exact feelings? I would like to pull a Tom Sawyer on life right about now. Maybe not the whole dramatic feigning of my own funeral (though I admit, I always have thought that would be entertaining), but at least the running away to an unknown, uninhabited island part. But then again, I am keenly aware that would not solve my unrest.

I have been stressed by a number of things, a few deeply private that I am unwilling to admit to anyone, which may have contributed to my inner turmoil of late. Admitting serious personality flaws or struggles to yourself is hard enough, but admitting them to others is nothing short of suicidal. At least that is how I perceive it.

So far, this is comprised of a bunch of words about nothing. I'm not sure I'm really saying anything. The underlying point is that I am intensely overwhelmed (work has been a major aggravating force which brought about this feeling) and am not sure how to voice my frustrations or struggles or how the heck to make my eyes water to relieve some of the tension.

I'm pretty positive my back is more tense than it has ever been, and I am on steroids (not the cool muscle-building kind) for a pulled muscle to prove it. Thank you, backpack.

School is pretty good, but I get to the point where I wonder if I'm exactly where I should be with life coinciding with school. I feel like I could be making money through writing or photography (maybe not...still a newbie) or something I enjoy doing and would also be productive and improving a skill. Many internships are unpaid and those that are paid are mostly full for this semester, which is to be understood. I just feel stuck for some reason.

Stuck in my faith, stuck in my work ethic, stuck in a lack of motivation, stuck in a mode of searching in vain for hope or joy or something that will fulfill me. The funny thing is, I know exactly what I need to do to find that fulfillment but I feel like I want to try stuff out first and make sure my fulfillment can't come in that. Lame, I know. Many journeys are dead ends and many of mine will probably lead me to a wall of impossibility.

Maybe I am crippling myself with this mood right now and while I wish I could have a "good cry" (I am still not sure what that means, much like I don't understand the term "daddy's girl") and shake it off, I'm not sure that these feelings can be resolved that easily.

So I sit down, I type, and I solve nothing. Just another voice in print in an infinity of cyberfeelings.

I rest my case.

the kids

2010-02-03T09:59:00.000-06:00

The kids have been gone for about a week now.

This has been the longest week ever with work and all, and while it has been really nice to have adult time, play cards with the neighbors, laugh out loud past seven o'clock without the risk of waking a sleeping child, I know they are going to be gone for good soon. So I would like to see them again. At least the baby, because she was in my dream and when I woke up,

she was gone.

Port-au-Prince

2010-01-28T08:40:00.001-06:00

Last night was kind of a rough night with an unexpected shift at work, trying to figure out which Middle Tennessee town I would be sleeping in, and willing my eyes to stay open while I drove there. Yet for some reason, when I lay my head on my pillow, sleep would not come.

It absolutely would not.

Thoughts bombarded my mind. My own voice kept shouting a million different thoughts into my mind's ear. My voice multiplied and a thousand random thoughts screamed for my attention when all I wanted was to sleep for the six precious hours I had.

Still, sleep would not come.

I think it took me about an hour to finally fall asleep and get my mind to shut up. The next few hours were spent trying to sleep, but between random dreams and waking up, I'm not sure how successful my attempts were.

Towards the end of my "slumber," three words, really one phrase, kept running through my mind. P____-___-P______. I was really confused because though I knew the words (I forgot once I woke up) I could not figure out what they meant. I work in a video store, so I thought maybe it was a video title that I had seen among the few hundred titles I had handled that night.

The name kept running through my head. Literally spelling itself out, waking me up a few times. Still, I was confused, not knowing what it was, not being able to grasp the meaning of the phrase.

This morning, awake, despite my body's struggle to get out of bed, I drove to school and sat down to finish an assignment on the earthquake in Haiti. The school computers are set to use a search engine other than what I used yesterday afternoon to start my assignment. After typing in "causes of the earthquake in Haiti," the first subject that greeted my eyes was "Port-au-Prince."

Port-au-Prince.

That was it. That was the phrase that kept waking me up sometime early this morning. I was completely positive. That was it without question. Port-au-Prince. How could I have forgotten the words?

But now they had meaning.

I have no idea why this was waking me up. I would love to believe it was the Holy Spirit trying to communicate to me. Maybe telling me to wake up and pray. But my prayer life has been rather shoddy of late, so even if I knew what it was, maybe I would have been skeptical in my drowsy slumber. Yet this morning, I see those words on the computer screen, and while I could believe I just thought of them because of my assignment, that wouldn't justify the words waking me up more than once in attempts to discover their meaning.

Port-au-Prince.

A region wrecked with pain and destruction.
A broken people, far from God, yet drawing on their pain
and looking for some sort of redemption.

I would love to go to Haiti right now. However, I see school as a definite obstacle to that wish. That and a lack of funds, or a selfish desire to salvage the small savings I have for life here in the privileged US.

I don't know. I'm not saying that being awakened mulitiple times by the name of a suffering town means I am supposed to go to that place. But I wonder what it does mean.

Maybe I will get some follow-up, some peace of mind, some answer to my unwritten question, but if not, then hopefully I will be more cognizant of the pain of those in Haiti and will be more in tune to praying for the people of Port-au-Prince daily.

The privileged white girl goes to school while the black children oceans away are suffering immensely, with little hope to lighten their load.

Something seems so wrong about that.

the juggling game begins

2010-01-19T22:53:00.000-06:00

So......I was thinking about recycling my journal entry or some poetry (I need to come up with a word other than that to define my lyrics/poems/whatever they are) I've done recently for this post.

Alas, a real update is in order.

Today marked the 2nd day of what I have come to call the 12 hour school day. It is titled as so because I must wake up at 6am and my last class wraps at 5:45pm. Okay, so my math is a little off...it's more like 13 hours! (Driving back home...duh.) Fortunately I've had the company of my friend Rachel through this early morning ordeal and have her to vent to for the upcoming days when my schedule is sure to become overwhelming.

17 hrs of schoolwork + 20 hrs of work + sleep = better be enough time for driving out to the B-mont and spending quality time with friends here and there.

EXCITING STUFF!! I met with a study abroad advisor today and am in the process of mapping out my study abroad to South Africa (!!!) next spring. Ready or not, here I come - spring 2011! I'm excited about it but am really bad at planning and getting truly excited this far in advance.

This post is super boring, so I'm going to stop while I'm ahead and try to make it exciting next time instead of cramming it in like a sloppy homework assignment.

Much love!
-S

update

2010-01-12T10:43:00.000-06:00

Okay so I know I wrote about how I was going to write more and all that jazz, so here is just a quick update...I have not neglected writing. I have instead disciplined myself to journal every night for the past six (I am a horribly inconsistent person, so this is a good step for me). That said...perhaps I will post excerpts from my journal in the coming days.

I start my spring semester on Thursday, so I'm trying to gear up for that, but really, trying to plan ahead in my head is like trying to work a maze with a thousand dead ends. So we'll see where all this planning gets me.

Meanwhile, all my Nashville friends are beginning their descent into the city that isn't the same without them. Excitement for that!

Questions? Comments? Leave them here or email me at gallaghorical@gmail.com in case I'm not here for a few more days. (I totally hope that looked like a computer-generated disclaimer. That's what I was going for...)

'Til next time!
-S

Looking Ahead

2010-01-04T18:44:00.000-06:00

So we're starting a sales competition at work this month. We have three or four teams and my team is going to dominate, yes we are. As of now, our team name is the glourious basterds (I work in a video store...reference to Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds, if you weren't sure and thought I spelled two words wrong consecutively). That is something I am excited about. Working with fun people. I want to be able to be a witness in my job setting too and not just have fun, so be praying for chances for that for me if you think of it. And pray that I will speak and not be silent and just settle for having fun at work.

In other news, I am going to sleep in my own bed tonight for the first time in about a week. I was house-sitting and dog-sitting for my neighbors while they were visiting family out of state. I really enjoyed being able to chill in a peaceful house and would watch their dogs for them again in a heartbeat! I am glad that I'll be in my own room again tonight.

I guess there's not really anything eventful happening to me right now, but life is good and I cannot complain. I had a great time with friends and family over the holidays and am about to adjust myself to the school mode as spring semester begins next Thursday. I am not really looking forward to it but I am looking forward to spending time with my friend Rachel who will be on campus this semester too. I'm also looking forward to meeting new people because that is one of my favorite things to do!

Ohhh I guess I do have something that isn't really happening right now, but I need to get the ball rolling. I am planning on studying abroad in South Africa next fall and would be leaving mid-July if everything goes as planned. I have some hesitations and I don't want those to hold me back because I want to embark on this adventure, but that said, I've been hesitant to get the paperwork process going. Looking at the program excites me - there are some awesome classes and I'm sure my time there would fly, but while I love exciting adventures, I fear losing familiar stuff. I have awesome friends here and I know lasting friendships won't keel over and die if someone goes out of the country for a few months but I'm still a little afraid of stuff changing, ya know?

Anyways...that's kind of churning around in my head and I need to be pro-active about applying as certain deadlines are closing in.

So that's it in a nutshell! My family just got a projector so for all of you who have been to my house, you know that means more summer drive-in movies out at my place! For now, we're gonna have a mega-screen indoor showing. Exciting stuff. :)

resolving to resolve

2010-01-02T21:08:00.000-06:00

In the past I have not made a big deal about New Year's resolutions. Okay, that would be undermining the situation. I have not made resolutions, period. Last year I scribbled a couple of pages in my planner about where I wanted to be a year from that day, but I didn't really write specifics or acknowledge particular goals.

So the new year is upon us and once again, I have not given resolutions a thought. The reason I don't make them is because I fall short, or have in the past. But my memory of a past when I actually wrote and attempted goals in my life at the start of the year is entirely obliterated from my mind. Therefore, I'm thinking of making some.

I don't know if I have much of an audience in the blogging world. I haven't been very faithful to my blog, so I'm going to start with that. I need to write or journal or something and somehow I cannot discipline myself to scribble in one of the many journals I have, yet I constantly find myself in front of a computer monitor. That said, I resolve to blog at least once a week. I need some discipline and consistency in my life and audience or no audience, it's something I need to do for myself, whether there are people holding me accountable or not. The form of this blog has been a mixture of old JRoad posts, poetry/lyrics (call them what you will) and some storytelling. I want to incorporate more of a "day in the life" kind of approach, but we'll see how it goes.

In terms of other resolutions, I hate to say exercise, because that is so cliche, but it is something I need to be doing. Maybe I'll find an exercise buddy or a good music playlist.

Next on the docket, I got a job (I worked consistently for 2 1/2 years then took off last year to do the school thing at Belmont where I enjoyed myself immensely and spent a lot of time being unproductive, then I nannied this summer and made some money back which I have been living on until now, and I just got a job at a video store in the town in which I currently live). This means I will have a steady income. Which means I can still pay for gas, can build up my savings account again, and maybe can get my car fixed *groan.* I really want to move into an apartment in the Nashville area (any place west of L-town and north of the boro) but haven't been proactive in that search besides spending large quantities of time on rent.com. Okay, so that's because I didn't have a steady income...so maybe we'll let that bank account nourish itself and then re-visit this subject.

Alright so here's my big thing...I need to be more creative. Or at least have an outlet for my creativity so it doesn't dry up. I used to write a few songs every week. Then I went to Belmont and grew intimidated because everyone seemed so confident in their work and accomplished. So I practiced in the safety of gazebos on warm nights and in the stairwell when I felt either confident enough to be heard or motivated enough not to care. I did a craft of sorts recently that I thoroughly enjoyed and that made me want to scrapbook or do SOMETHING this year that is both expressive and captivates memories or stepping stones or something. Again, specifics are not in order, but that's just me for ya. Always the visionary, never the one to actually do what I say I will do. So that is why I am going to maintain this blog. As a sort of accountability to myself and my friends (if I do indeed have friends or strangers reading, both welcome).

Oh and sidenote: my sister got me four canvases, some oil paints, and some brushes for Christmas. I do not paint. I have attempted once and while I enjoyed it, I do not consider myself a drawing kind of artist. But she apparently thinks I have it in me (because she shelled out a lot of money!) so painting is something I want to learn this year. I don't want to mess up the canvases though, so hopefully I won't not paint anything because of that. And I started this little portion off with songwriting...I want to lock myself in a room with 6 different instruments and compose at least one finished, full-length song one day. Record it too once I bring in more people to play the instruments simultaneously. Or I could layer the track and play them all. . .

Another thing....Facebook has got to go. Or at least be limited. I think I'm searching for something that I will never find in others so I am using their lives as inspiration but instead I'm stifling whatever originality is within myself. With words (i.e. blog) I can express myself whether anyone is reading or not, so for a while I used facebook as a venue for my lyrics/poetry (whatever you want to call it). Then I took most everything down, saved it to my computer, and moved on (and stopped writing as much...whoops).

So I need to limit my facebook interaction, have more coffee dates, unleash my creativity, complete a project, oh yeah -- and exercise. Maybe that will happen while I'm chasing a full course load, a job, a life and all this other stuff in a couple of weeks.

Anyway, at the very least, I want to be more confident in myself at this point next year. I feel like I have changed a lot in the past couple of years but I don't know how much I have actually grown. Sometimes I think I was a stronger person as an awkward 10 year old who was sure about everything than I am now as an awkward adult who questions absolutely EVERYTHING.

Only time will tell. . .thank God for awesome friends who are a constant source of strength and support and for innovations such as the blog that allow me to express what I cannot verbalize, even to myself.

ten steps back

2010-01-02T16:32:00.000-06:00

my feet were so determined to walk heels-first
to an unknown destination
only to avoid the one you planned

my mind was so convinced it knew the heart
the heart was uncertain
so the mind won her over

then there were little signs that told the mind to stop
warned the heart to challenge the mind
warned the feet to walk toes first into tomorrow
but the ears didn't hear

my selfishness believed satisfaction was an arm's length away
my eyes thoughts something was missing from the picture
my heart stayed silent, fatefully so

my sickness told me I was beyond a cure
my pride told me I was self-sufficient
my soul told me I knew truth all along

then there were little voices that directed my rebellion
away from the way I chose
away from the destruction I wanted
and the ears began to forget the mind's agenda

speech undermined intellect by becoming lazy
actions undermined integrity by becoming abrupt
intention had gone to the wind and carried me with it

the feet had stopped working backwards
the knees bent and the body fell
unmoving to the ground, to try and gather meaning

trying to gather meaning when the meaning is so clear
is more than pitiful, yet it's what we do best
ignoring the voices that taught us to think
the ears told the mind to go back to truth

my feet are beginning to remember how to walk
toes pointed towards the destination
my mind needs some encouragement
from the heart that's holding out

tug-of-war

2009-11-27T16:21:00.000-06:00

pick for me a role and i will play the part
it's too much trouble finding my one true heart
a million parts of me at a game of tug-of-war
fighting to be the part that defines me

pouring all of me into a thousand separate tasks
if only i could choose one, maybe my efforts would last
instead i run in circles chasing specks of dust
hoping my identity will extract itself from this mess

lots of me wants to find the music
but the scholar wants to be a forever academic
the vagabond wants to travel the rest of my days
while the writer wants to observe and record all human ways
my hippie part wants to live free without any rules
tug-of-war, all five sides
i've got myself surrounded with four too many faces

mad's a state of mind we drive ourselves to
when we're discouraged from searching or merely confused
when "unanswered questions" is the soundtrack of our life
and our direction has no pattern or rhythm

the player is broken, the CD won't eject
this soundtrack is getting old, i'm so restless
my youth's not eager to stick around
i need some clear direction

lots of me wants to marry the music
but my scholar wants to be a solemn academic
this vagabond wants to roam the earth
my writer favors sober contemplation
while this hippie want to be careless, homeless, and free
tug-of-war, all five sides
i've got myself divided into four too many faces

what do i subtract and what do i combine
i'm running out of feelings, running out of signs
give me a giant blender to make one drink out of five
i'll drink this tonic down and live with the consequences

Blemishes of the Spirit

2009-09-22T15:00:00.000-05:00

my crime is making you believe the world's good-natured
when all along the cold of death rests in my heart
from what i see, i have achieved perfection in your eyes
if that's the case, i beg forgiveness 10 times over

for what i am is broken
a heavy, troubled soul
and who i am is searching
i'm a jagged puzzle piece that can't fit into anything

admissions flow down like a spilled glass of wine
staining what was once deceivingly white
if i were you, i'd throw the dirty cloth away
it's easier to discard mistakes when unscathed names can take their place

for what i am is soiled
exfoliating truth prevails
and who i am is shameful
like a wolf among the sheep, i've been seen so now I'll take my leave

blemishes of the spirit rest on paper
and the air pressure inside's a little less
tears, for some, come like sleep - often enough to sustain
some of us bottle it up and can't seem to let our eyes rain

for what i am is wanted
to be needed by someone
and who i am is every man
try not to assign a face to the yearnings of a lost human race

A Horse of a Different Color

2009-08-28T20:30:00.000-05:00

Nashville. A city of lights, business suits, taxis, corporate catastrophes. . .wait. Wrong description. Ahem. . .Nashville. A city of hole in the wall coffee joints, celebrity sitings, electric melodies, looking the part, and anything and everything else musical. Weekdays are good for catching up on bill-paying, running errands and becoming a vegetable after a long day's work. But in Nashville you can be transported to new worlds in an instant, so why waste time flipping channels only wishing you were in one?

Enter: August 27th, sunny skies and Centennial Park. Enter: the Nashville Shakespeare Festival.

Shakespeare in the Park. To some, an appealing ad in the Nashville Scene but to me, an opportunity to become culturally and artistically aware for the price of free. (A $5 donation is suggested, but who has time for suggestions when fingering pieces of lint in empty pockets?) Lawn chairs in tow, I head to the park with a friend to take in the experience only a select few Nashvillians have experienced.

We arrive at the park a couple hours early. One hour early for the pre-show and two hours early for the debut of Shakespeare's best- The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (abridged). This is just enough time to assemble our lawn chairs, sit in our lawn chairs and wait. While we are waiting, eavesdropping and people-watching become a most interesting pastime.

Some of our observations are as follows:
A) A couple arrives in the arena with four bags, two couch cushions, and a blanket. The couch cushions appear to have gathered mold (and we hope, for the sake of the owners, that these cushions were recently acquired on a curb during a dumpster dive and are not, in fact, the primary seating within the home of the aforementioned party).
B) The man a lawn chair's length away from me, buried in his 007 novel, cites his reason for not donating as "I would love to but I already gave all my money to a homeless man today." Not to be judgmental, he is either a very noble man or a very poor liar.
C) It is Mary's 6th birthday. Mary has been to 11 shows put on by the Nashville Shakes (clever, ain't it?) and is celebrating her happy prelude to first grade with free Shakespeare t-shirts, a bumper sticker for the car she may own in 10 years, and a night of entertainment, all for the wonderfully optional price of $5.
D) The couple next to Rachel were reading together. Well, separate books, that is. Does that still count as reading together? Bonding of sorts?

We are able to separate the newbies from the seasoned Shakespeare loyals by a distinct aroma that fills the air. As sub sandwiches, homemade pudding, sushi and nachos fill the arena, as does the distinct scent that can only be created by the combination of such varied foods. As their babble and smacking grows louder, the rumbling in my own empty tummy grows angrier.

At 6:30, approximately one hour from show time, a bubbly Shakespeare T-shirt wearing lady approaches the microphone. "I regret to inform you that our pre-show, Biscuits and Gravy, will not be able to make it tonight. I'm sure you will be able to occupy yourselves with whatever comes naturally in the park."

My friend Rachel and I look at each other and start laughing. "Whatever comes naturally?" What the heck is that supposed to mean?

A few couch cushions and picnic blankets later, our show begins.

Three men are up to perform all 37 of Shakespeare's plays. How will they ever do it?

Scene: Romeo and Juliet, performed briefly as two actors run around in different wigs and costumes and one strums an electric Fender and pretends to play the keys when sound effects are heard.

Up next, a delightful rap of Othello? Or maybe that was the cooking show hosted by the amputees? Or was that the football game in which the crown was tossed from hand to hand representative of the throne changing hands so many times. Then there was the giant comedy in which all of Shakespeare's comedies were combined into one and the three players held up faces of celebrities on popsicle sticks in rapid succession as the characters grew in number and the plot in complexity. Act I ended with one player running off stage and driving away in his car around the arena and out of sight. Two corny jokes later, an intermission was announced and I was left wide-eyed and mouth gaping in my seat.

With my stomach's prompting, and having nothing to do with the quality of the performances, I thought leaving early for a late dinner may be in order. Packing up our chairs and treading across the lawn of Centennial, we couldn't help but smile at the excitement the night had brought us. All I had anticipated was a little Shakespeare but instead I was able to witness, up close, an entirely foreign subculture of Nashville.

With SATCO as the remedy for our hunger pangs, our evening in Nashville came to an end. But as the kind lady at the microphone said, "We only ask you donate $5, which is the price of a sandwich, and while a sandwich only lasts a short while, this experience will last you a lifetime."

I still have quite a bit of time left in my young life, but I am certain this memory will not soon leave my mind. You never know, maybe one day you'll be craving a sandwich and will be teleported instead to the world of Shakes, where picnics and theater collide, actors go traipsing off-stage unannounced, and sitting in the park never seemed to come more naturally.

*I'm not knocking this festival or the participants. They were great actors. The script was a bit on the corny side at times, but deep down I think it's great that Nashville is so immersed in the arts and this kind of entertainment is available to the community so readily and so cheap. (That was me being serious.)
**My words and views in no way represent Rachel's views. Just clearing her name, there. :-)
***check out the group www.nashvilleshakes.org

Time is Running Out

2009-08-07T12:40:00.001-05:00

God has been talking to me a lot lately. Or maybe I just now cleaned out my ears so I could hear Him. One of the main things He has laid on my heart recently is a sense of urgency. The phrase “time is running out” keeps popping into my mind and consuming my thoughts and in turn, my actions.

For example, I have always loved quality time with people (Facebook will tell you that is my love language. . .not that I rely on facebook quizzes to dictate my spiritual life). I LOVE getting together for coffee dates, even though I don’t drink coffee. I have had the opportunity to meet with new friends and old friends recently for lunch, “coffee” or just to chat under the pretense of food. Lately, however, I have felt a need to connect with people individually and to thoroughly appreciate the people God has placed in my life. I keep having the sense that I am running out of time and that any time not spent with people (or a productive, necessary activity) is time wasted.

I am not saying that this urgency is God warning me that something catastrophic is going to happen and so I better cram in everything I can and, oh yeah, ride Fu Man Chu while I’m at it. But then again, something catastrophic could happen at any moment and all of my “somedays” and “maybe laters” will be dust in the wind.So here’s the crux: isn’t living with urgency how Jesus lived on earth? He made time for people – went out of his way for strangers as well as friends. He was a vagabond, a traveler – he did not have a home. He went around teaching in temples, prophesying at the dinner table and spent time fasting intensely, healing people and raising people from the dead. I mean, c’mon! This guy did not mess around.

Jesus knew a time was coming when He would no longer be in man’s flesh, able to sit down in our homes and teach our children. So He took the town by storm and gathered a team of men to help Him spread His message of love and redemption. He revolutionized His world, not pursuing His own pleasures on earth, but rather by serving man, taking time to invest in others, and teaching how to love completely.

I do not know why exactly God is placing this sense of urgency on my heart right now but my prayer is that I will always live with urgency and I may be a more effective Christian because of it. Once we grasp how incredible and infinite and complex our God is, it will revolutionize our own life. Then we become a catalyst in our world and are empowered to drastically change the world of those we share the earth with. Let’s hold each other accountable to be this kind of catalyst so we can get with God’s incredible plans for our lives, our cities and our world.

Who Could Ever Learn to Love a Beast?

2009-08-03T17:16:00.001-05:00

A couple years ago, my school performed Beauty and the Beast, the classic Disney fairytale about a beautiful young woman who falls in love with a soul matted by an outward, beastly appearance. My director’s favorite quote and theme of the musical was taken from the narrator’s introduction in the opening scene – Who could ever learn to love a beast?

Let me give you another illustration: A man dripping with guilt and shame and fear and selfishness walks into an empty church, and somewhere inside his soul is a longing that beckons for a Higher Power. Somewhere within is the innate faith, however small, in a Power unseen. So he walks, burdened by his fear and guilty stains, beastly in his wretched sin, and stumbles towards the altar where he cries out for love, for someone to care for him despite his wretched appearance, his shortcomings, his decrepit form. He calls out for someone to rescue him before it is too late, because he is dying. If he does not experience true love before death, before “the last petal falls,” then he will be trapped in his beastly, spiritual prison forever.

He feels dirty and unworthy, but out of the void comes a Savior who delivers a love the man so desperately needs yet doesn’t deserve. How many times have you been that man? Have I been that man? How many times have I come broken before the Savior, wallowing in filth and shame, beastly – undeserving of grace – only to have Jesus remind me again that He loves me? I am a treasure in His sight.

I know sometimes it gets old hearing phrases such as “Smile, Jesus loves you” or “God loves everyone,” but the truth is that He loves the beast inside you and me. Loving is not as easy as Hallmark makes it out to be. It is not a comfortable feel-good emotion, but instead a daily challenge to put others before self. Imagine your best friend right now, or role model. Picture your attempts to serve that person and put them before yourself. Even that becomes a chore, right? Now imagine someone else that seems “beastly” to you. Imagine the perpetrator of a horrendous crime, one with a beastly, savage reputation. Could you love that one? God can. And He does. And the interesting thing is we are just as beastly as those we judge as beasts… yet He loves us still.

Ephesians 3: 17 is Paul’s prayer for the Ephesians in which he asks that they, “being rooted and established in love, may have the power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.” Christ’s love far exceeds our own selfish limitations of love. Paul testifies once more in 1Timothy 1:15-16 telling us that “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners – of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on Him and receive eternal life.” From this, we gather the goodness of Christ in extending mercy to those of us stuck in shame.

Remember, God does not see beauty and the beast, but beauty in the beast. And that, my friends, is grace.