Looking Ahead

So we're starting a sales competition at work this month. We have three or four teams and my team is going to dominate, yes we are. As of now, our team name is the glourious basterds (I work in a video store...reference to Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds, if you weren't sure and thought I spelled two words wrong consecutively). That is something I am excited about. Working with fun people. I want to be able to be a witness in my job setting too and not just have fun, so be praying for chances for that for me if you think of it. And pray that I will speak and not be silent and just settle for having fun at work.

In other news, I am going to sleep in my own bed tonight for the first time in about a week. I was house-sitting and dog-sitting for my neighbors while they were visiting family out of state. I really enjoyed being able to chill in a peaceful house and would watch their dogs for them again in a heartbeat! I am glad that I'll be in my own room again tonight.

I guess there's not really anything eventful happening to me right now, but life is good and I cannot complain. I had a great time with friends and family over the holidays and am about to adjust myself to the school mode as spring semester begins next Thursday. I am not really looking forward to it but I am looking forward to spending time with my friend Rachel who will be on campus this semester too. I'm also looking forward to meeting new people because that is one of my favorite things to do!

Ohhh I guess I do have something that isn't really happening right now, but I need to get the ball rolling. I am planning on studying abroad in South Africa next fall and would be leaving mid-July if everything goes as planned. I have some hesitations and I don't want those to hold me back because I want to embark on this adventure, but that said, I've been hesitant to get the paperwork process going. Looking at the program excites me - there are some awesome classes and I'm sure my time there would fly, but while I love exciting adventures, I fear losing familiar stuff. I have awesome friends here and I know lasting friendships won't keel over and die if someone goes out of the country for a few months but I'm still a little afraid of stuff changing, ya know?

Anyways...that's kind of churning around in my head and I need to be pro-active about applying as certain deadlines are closing in.

So that's it in a nutshell! My family just got a projector so for all of you who have been to my house, you know that means more summer drive-in movies out at my place! For now, we're gonna have a mega-screen indoor showing. Exciting stuff. :)

resolving to resolve

In the past I have not made a big deal about New Year's resolutions. Okay, that would be undermining the situation. I have not made resolutions, period. Last year I scribbled a couple of pages in my planner about where I wanted to be a year from that day, but I didn't really write specifics or acknowledge particular goals.

So the new year is upon us and once again, I have not given resolutions a thought. The reason I don't make them is because I fall short, or have in the past. But my memory of a past when I actually wrote and attempted goals in my life at the start of the year is entirely obliterated from my mind. Therefore, I'm thinking of making some.

I don't know if I have much of an audience in the blogging world. I haven't been very faithful to my blog, so I'm going to start with that. I need to write or journal or something and somehow I cannot discipline myself to scribble in one of the many journals I have, yet I constantly find myself in front of a computer monitor. That said, I resolve to blog at least once a week. I need some discipline and consistency in my life and audience or no audience, it's something I need to do for myself, whether there are people holding me accountable or not. The form of this blog has been a mixture of old JRoad posts, poetry/lyrics (call them what you will) and some storytelling. I want to incorporate more of a "day in the life" kind of approach, but we'll see how it goes.

In terms of other resolutions, I hate to say exercise, because that is so cliche, but it is something I need to be doing. Maybe I'll find an exercise buddy or a good music playlist.

Next on the docket, I got a job (I worked consistently for 2 1/2 years then took off last year to do the school thing at Belmont where I enjoyed myself immensely and spent a lot of time being unproductive, then I nannied this summer and made some money back which I have been living on until now, and I just got a job at a video store in the town in which I currently live). This means I will have a steady income. Which means I can still pay for gas, can build up my savings account again, and maybe can get my car fixed *groan.* I really want to move into an apartment in the Nashville area (any place west of L-town and north of the boro) but haven't been proactive in that search besides spending large quantities of time on rent.com. Okay, so that's because I didn't have a steady income...so maybe we'll let that bank account nourish itself and then re-visit this subject.

Alright so here's my big thing...I need to be more creative. Or at least have an outlet for my creativity so it doesn't dry up. I used to write a few songs every week. Then I went to Belmont and grew intimidated because everyone seemed so confident in their work and accomplished. So I practiced in the safety of gazebos on warm nights and in the stairwell when I felt either confident enough to be heard or motivated enough not to care. I did a craft of sorts recently that I thoroughly enjoyed and that made me want to scrapbook or do SOMETHING this year that is both expressive and captivates memories or stepping stones or something. Again, specifics are not in order, but that's just me for ya. Always the visionary, never the one to actually do what I say I will do. So that is why I am going to maintain this blog. As a sort of accountability to myself and my friends (if I do indeed have friends or strangers reading, both welcome).

Oh and sidenote: my sister got me four canvases, some oil paints, and some brushes for Christmas. I do not paint. I have attempted once and while I enjoyed it, I do not consider myself a drawing kind of artist. But she apparently thinks I have it in me (because she shelled out a lot of money!) so painting is something I want to learn this year. I don't want to mess up the canvases though, so hopefully I won't not paint anything because of that. And I started this little portion off with songwriting...I want to lock myself in a room with 6 different instruments and compose at least one finished, full-length song one day. Record it too once I bring in more people to play the instruments simultaneously. Or I could layer the track and play them all. . .

Another thing....Facebook has got to go. Or at least be limited. I think I'm searching for something that I will never find in others so I am using their lives as inspiration but instead I'm stifling whatever originality is within myself. With words (i.e. blog) I can express myself whether anyone is reading or not, so for a while I used facebook as a venue for my lyrics/poetry (whatever you want to call it). Then I took most everything down, saved it to my computer, and moved on (and stopped writing as much...whoops).

So I need to limit my facebook interaction, have more coffee dates, unleash my creativity, complete a project, oh yeah -- and exercise. Maybe that will happen while I'm chasing a full course load, a job, a life and all this other stuff in a couple of weeks.

Anyway, at the very least, I want to be more confident in myself at this point next year. I feel like I have changed a lot in the past couple of years but I don't know how much I have actually grown. Sometimes I think I was a stronger person as an awkward 10 year old who was sure about everything than I am now as an awkward adult who questions absolutely EVERYTHING.

Only time will tell. . .thank God for awesome friends who are a constant source of strength and support and for innovations such as the blog that allow me to express what I cannot verbalize, even to myself.

ten steps back

my feet were so determined to walk heels-first
to an unknown destination
only to avoid the one you planned

my mind was so convinced it knew the heart
the heart was uncertain
so the mind won her over

then there were little signs that told the mind to stop
warned the heart to challenge the mind
warned the feet to walk toes first into tomorrow
but the ears didn't hear

my selfishness believed satisfaction was an arm's length away
my eyes thoughts something was missing from the picture
my heart stayed silent, fatefully so

my sickness told me I was beyond a cure
my pride told me I was self-sufficient
my soul told me I knew truth all along

then there were little voices that directed my rebellion
away from the way I chose
away from the destruction I wanted
and the ears began to forget the mind's agenda

speech undermined intellect by becoming lazy
actions undermined integrity by becoming abrupt
intention had gone to the wind and carried me with it

the feet had stopped working backwards
the knees bent and the body fell
unmoving to the ground, to try and gather meaning

trying to gather meaning when the meaning is so clear
is more than pitiful, yet it's what we do best
ignoring the voices that taught us to think
the ears told the mind to go back to truth

my feet are beginning to remember how to walk
toes pointed towards the destination
my mind needs some encouragement
from the heart that's holding out

tug-of-war

pick for me a role and i will play the part
it's too much trouble finding my one true heart
a million parts of me at a game of tug-of-war
fighting to be the part that defines me

pouring all of me into a thousand separate tasks
if only i could choose one, maybe my efforts would last
instead i run in circles chasing specks of dust
hoping my identity will extract itself from this mess

lots of me wants to find the music
but the scholar wants to be a forever academic
the vagabond wants to travel the rest of my days
while the writer wants to observe and record all human ways
my hippie part wants to live free without any rules
tug-of-war, all five sides
i've got myself surrounded with four too many faces

mad's a state of mind we drive ourselves to
when we're discouraged from searching or merely confused
when "unanswered questions" is the soundtrack of our life
and our direction has no pattern or rhythm

the player is broken, the CD won't eject
this soundtrack is getting old, i'm so restless
my youth's not eager to stick around
i need some clear direction

lots of me wants to marry the music
but my scholar wants to be a solemn academic
this vagabond wants to roam the earth
my writer favors sober contemplation
while this hippie want to be careless, homeless, and free
tug-of-war, all five sides
i've got myself divided into four too many faces

what do i subtract and what do i combine
i'm running out of feelings, running out of signs
give me a giant blender to make one drink out of five
i'll drink this tonic down and live with the consequences

Blemishes of the Spirit

my crime is making you believe the world's good-natured
when all along the cold of death rests in my heart
from what i see, i have achieved perfection in your eyes
if that's the case, i beg forgiveness 10 times over

for what i am is broken
a heavy, troubled soul
and who i am is searching
i'm a jagged puzzle piece that can't fit into anything

admissions flow down like a spilled glass of wine
staining what was once deceivingly white
if i were you, i'd throw the dirty cloth away
it's easier to discard mistakes when unscathed names can take their place

for what i am is soiled
exfoliating truth prevails
and who i am is shameful
like a wolf among the sheep, i've been seen so now I'll take my leave

blemishes of the spirit rest on paper
and the air pressure inside's a little less
tears, for some, come like sleep - often enough to sustain
some of us bottle it up and can't seem to let our eyes rain

for what i am is wanted
to be needed by someone
and who i am is every man
try not to assign a face to the yearnings of a lost human race