Monday, February 15, 2010

thumbs up

Okay so it's been a while since my last post, but I just wanted to give my audience a thumbs up. I'm doing so much better. I'm running towards God more, which is where a lot of stuff lines up, and am not as stressed at the moment. Just a quick update, for those who approached me with worry.


Monday, February 8, 2010

wall of impossibility

I have never wanted to cry more in my life. I think somewhere along the way, my tear ducts dried of from lack of use, so this powerful urge has not been satisfied yet. At the most, my eyes can produce tears for 65 seconds, including the moment they start watering to the moment they stop. It's sad. So sad it's worth crying over.

This sob story is not inspired by any truly grievous act that has catapulted my heart into mourning, but rather a series of overwhelming small events combined with a dry soul and a body that wants to physically run from everything right now. My exact feelings? I would like to pull a Tom Sawyer on life right about now. Maybe not the whole dramatic feigning of my own funeral (though I admit, I always have thought that would be entertaining), but at least the running away to an unknown, uninhabited island part. But then again, I am keenly aware that would not solve my unrest.

I have been stressed by a number of things, a few deeply private that I am unwilling to admit to anyone, which may have contributed to my inner turmoil of late. Admitting serious personality flaws or struggles to yourself is hard enough, but admitting them to others is nothing short of suicidal. At least that is how I perceive it.

So far, this is comprised of a bunch of words about nothing. I'm not sure I'm really saying anything. The underlying point is that I am intensely overwhelmed (work has been a major aggravating force which brought about this feeling) and am not sure how to voice my frustrations or struggles or how the heck to make my eyes water to relieve some of the tension.

I'm pretty positive my back is more tense than it has ever been, and I am on steroids (not the cool muscle-building kind) for a pulled muscle to prove it. Thank you, backpack.

School is pretty good, but I get to the point where I wonder if I'm exactly where I should be with life coinciding with school. I feel like I could be making money through writing or photography (maybe not...still a newbie) or something I enjoy doing and would also be productive and improving a skill. Many internships are unpaid and those that are paid are mostly full for this semester, which is to be understood. I just feel stuck for some reason.

Stuck in my faith, stuck in my work ethic, stuck in a lack of motivation, stuck in a mode of searching in vain for hope or joy or something that will fulfill me. The funny thing is, I know exactly what I need to do to find that fulfillment but I feel like I want to try stuff out first and make sure my fulfillment can't come in that. Lame, I know. Many journeys are dead ends and many of mine will probably lead me to a wall of impossibility.

Maybe I am crippling myself with this mood right now and while I wish I could have a "good cry" (I am still not sure what that means, much like I don't understand the term "daddy's girl") and shake it off, I'm not sure that these feelings can be resolved that easily.

So I sit down, I type, and I solve nothing. Just another voice in print in an infinity of cyberfeelings.

I rest my case.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

the kids

The kids have been gone for about a week now.

This has been the longest week ever with work and all, and while it has been really nice to have adult time, play cards with the neighbors, laugh out loud past seven o'clock without the risk of waking a sleeping child, I know they are going to be gone for good soon. So I would like to see them again. At least the baby, because she was in my dream and when I woke up,

she was gone.