Sunday, March 6, 2011

Conversations with the Creator

Ah, time. While the stirrings of my heart and mind have not found their way onto the page for some time, the stirrings have not disappeared. More often than not, there is an experience or thought that I deem "blog-worthy," but alas, my commitment to sit down and write about it is not as strong as my mind's capacity to contain all of these ideas.

Then there are those times when I'm driving in my car. Just me and Jesus.

And the immensity our relationship hits me.

I am in conversation with the Creator of the world. And He loves me. He desires my love and allegiance to Him. And there's no catch...He even says He is going to build me a really awesome place to live when I get to meet Him face to face.

I've seen Him provide for me and care for me in the past, yet sometimes I choose to pave my own way. Which is not only impossible, but foolish. I mean - get this - the Being who designed the earth - the mountains I am in love with, the rivers, oceans, lakes, the people I love to be in relationship with - the One who made all of that wants to talk to me. He wants to hear from me. And best of all - He wants to guide and instruct me to live in a way which lets others know about Him and that He and I have such a unique relationship.

Yet sometimes, I decide that trusting Him is too hard. So I hold onto certain things and try to manage those. And I only let Him see all what is left over - those things I am not afraid to share and not afraid to lose. It's a bad game of hide and seek. He's seeking, and I keep hiding different parts of myself in different places.

But then, I get in my car. And turn on the music. And it's just me and Jesus.

And all of the sudden, I am overcome with the sense that I have a Father who loves me. Who loves me. And then this song starts playing and the lyrics speak what my heart is saying beneath my selfish resistance to relinquish what I am holding so tightly. The words....

You have been so good to me.
You have been so good to me.
I came here broken, You made me whole.
You have been so good, You have been so good.
You have been so good to me.

At this point, my pride is crumbling and my heart is humming right along to the chorus:

How can I thank You? There is just no way.
How can I thank You, Lord, how could I repay
For Your kindness, for Your tenderness
For Your constant Presence here with me

And all of the sudden, I am consumed.

I have been cared for. I am cared for. God is caring for me.

I am in school, I have two jobs, I am living with the most incredible, godly family and learning so much about marriage and parenting (lessons that don't directly apply to my life now, but will in the future), I am in love with my church family and have the distinct blessing of serving the kids each Sunday, I am in perfect health (besides some minor sore throats here and there), and God is providing for me in ways that I could not even dream up.

If I had to use one word to describe myself at this point in my journey, I would say I am content. I may even throw in blessed for extra measure, because I certainly feel that as well.

But yes, I am so content and at ease right now.

This does not mean life is easy, but it is good. And I serve a God who is good.

Sometimes I feel like my time is so divided that I do not get to enjoy relationships with people I care about, but God has given me the opportunity to live in the moment when I do get to spend time with those people, which makes every interaction and every relationship in my life a unique blessing.

Reader, I wish you could feel this peace and this joy. From the bottom of my heart, I want you to know the love of God as it has been shown to me. May you soak in it. Once you are there, at that play of peace and joy, even when life does not take the turn you expected, I earnestly pray that you would cling to the goodness of our faithful God. Because when all else changes, He does not. And when other emotions threaten to spoil your joy, they won't, because true joy is not overcome by those emotions. It lives in the midst of them. As does peace. I love you, whoever you are, I do. Because His love is so powerful, that it stretches to places that mine cannot.

Embrace His goodness. Embrace His love. Or at least let Him embrace you.

*Lyrics by Paul Baloche