resolving to resolve

In the past I have not made a big deal about New Year's resolutions. Okay, that would be undermining the situation. I have not made resolutions, period. Last year I scribbled a couple of pages in my planner about where I wanted to be a year from that day, but I didn't really write specifics or acknowledge particular goals.

So the new year is upon us and once again, I have not given resolutions a thought. The reason I don't make them is because I fall short, or have in the past. But my memory of a past when I actually wrote and attempted goals in my life at the start of the year is entirely obliterated from my mind. Therefore, I'm thinking of making some.

I don't know if I have much of an audience in the blogging world. I haven't been very faithful to my blog, so I'm going to start with that. I need to write or journal or something and somehow I cannot discipline myself to scribble in one of the many journals I have, yet I constantly find myself in front of a computer monitor. That said, I resolve to blog at least once a week. I need some discipline and consistency in my life and audience or no audience, it's something I need to do for myself, whether there are people holding me accountable or not. The form of this blog has been a mixture of old JRoad posts, poetry/lyrics (call them what you will) and some storytelling. I want to incorporate more of a "day in the life" kind of approach, but we'll see how it goes.

In terms of other resolutions, I hate to say exercise, because that is so cliche, but it is something I need to be doing. Maybe I'll find an exercise buddy or a good music playlist.

Next on the docket, I got a job (I worked consistently for 2 1/2 years then took off last year to do the school thing at Belmont where I enjoyed myself immensely and spent a lot of time being unproductive, then I nannied this summer and made some money back which I have been living on until now, and I just got a job at a video store in the town in which I currently live). This means I will have a steady income. Which means I can still pay for gas, can build up my savings account again, and maybe can get my car fixed *groan.* I really want to move into an apartment in the Nashville area (any place west of L-town and north of the boro) but haven't been proactive in that search besides spending large quantities of time on rent.com. Okay, so that's because I didn't have a steady income...so maybe we'll let that bank account nourish itself and then re-visit this subject.

Alright so here's my big thing...I need to be more creative. Or at least have an outlet for my creativity so it doesn't dry up. I used to write a few songs every week. Then I went to Belmont and grew intimidated because everyone seemed so confident in their work and accomplished. So I practiced in the safety of gazebos on warm nights and in the stairwell when I felt either confident enough to be heard or motivated enough not to care. I did a craft of sorts recently that I thoroughly enjoyed and that made me want to scrapbook or do SOMETHING this year that is both expressive and captivates memories or stepping stones or something. Again, specifics are not in order, but that's just me for ya. Always the visionary, never the one to actually do what I say I will do. So that is why I am going to maintain this blog. As a sort of accountability to myself and my friends (if I do indeed have friends or strangers reading, both welcome).

Oh and sidenote: my sister got me four canvases, some oil paints, and some brushes for Christmas. I do not paint. I have attempted once and while I enjoyed it, I do not consider myself a drawing kind of artist. But she apparently thinks I have it in me (because she shelled out a lot of money!) so painting is something I want to learn this year. I don't want to mess up the canvases though, so hopefully I won't not paint anything because of that. And I started this little portion off with songwriting...I want to lock myself in a room with 6 different instruments and compose at least one finished, full-length song one day. Record it too once I bring in more people to play the instruments simultaneously. Or I could layer the track and play them all. . .

Another thing....Facebook has got to go. Or at least be limited. I think I'm searching for something that I will never find in others so I am using their lives as inspiration but instead I'm stifling whatever originality is within myself. With words (i.e. blog) I can express myself whether anyone is reading or not, so for a while I used facebook as a venue for my lyrics/poetry (whatever you want to call it). Then I took most everything down, saved it to my computer, and moved on (and stopped writing as much...whoops).

So I need to limit my facebook interaction, have more coffee dates, unleash my creativity, complete a project, oh yeah -- and exercise. Maybe that will happen while I'm chasing a full course load, a job, a life and all this other stuff in a couple of weeks.

Anyway, at the very least, I want to be more confident in myself at this point next year. I feel like I have changed a lot in the past couple of years but I don't know how much I have actually grown. Sometimes I think I was a stronger person as an awkward 10 year old who was sure about everything than I am now as an awkward adult who questions absolutely EVERYTHING.

Only time will tell. . .thank God for awesome friends who are a constant source of strength and support and for innovations such as the blog that allow me to express what I cannot verbalize, even to myself.